I originally wrote this a few days ago, and was not going to post it, but then decided that maybe some one else feels the same way I do. If so, I hope this is an encouragement to you.
Volume 4, Issue 5
March 2, 2009
…from a broken man…
God I need you. DESPERATELY. My heart CRIES out. I can not do this on my own. I am tired of trying to FIGHT and change myself – only you can CHANGE ME.
I have run, I have STRUGGLED, I have fought, but I have done it with my own strength, and I have NO MORE. No matter how hard I try to change I am still DEFEATED.
I know I have forsaken you, I know I have ABANDONED YOU, and I know I have cried out only when I was in trouble. NO MORE. I need you – ALWAYS. I know I will turn from you again, EVERYDAY. Help me to STOP struggling with ME. Help me to turn to you.
I have cried out for you to SEARCH ME and know me, but yet I have tried to hide myself from you. I can’t do this anymore. I am BROKEN. I have tried to plaster walls around me, BARRICADING myself within my own skin – never letting others, or you PENETRATE in to the fabric of my existence. I don’t want that anymore – I WANT YOU! All of you.
Take all of me, the deep and BROKEN VESSEL that can carry no water. Create in me a CLEAN HEART. I am beyond EXHAUSTION. I am at a point where if I don’t get more or you and SUBMIT myself to you, I may turn to the other EXTREME. I am a REBEL who is tired of FIGHTING AGAINST ME.
I want to join your fight, but I am afraid. AFRAID of REJECTION, FEAR that I will let others down, FRIGHT that I will NOT SUCCEED. These are all UNFOUNDED conjectures of my mind, placed on myself – that have no ground with you. You don’t need me, but I NEED YOU.
My WORKS are part of who I am, but not the part of me that YOU SEEK. You seek ALL OF ME, but I have withheld so much of me. I have GRASPED and CLINGED to my own PRIDE, my own reluctance to GIVE UP, my own DESIRE to impress. NO MORE. Change me Lord. CHANGE ALL OF ME.
Let your HEALING RAIN run over me and NEVER LET ME GO. I need you EVERY HOUR. I am LOST without you. Where can I run to? Still YOU ARE THERE. Help me to see you, to feel you, TO KNOW YOU MORE.