Sunday, February 15, 2009

My Valentines Day Confession

Farmington, NM
Volume 4, Issue 2
February 14, 2009

-My Valentines Day Confession-
…my hope is you…

To whom do I owe my allegiance, to whom do I honor? Is it to those around me, to family, or friends? Or to the one who knows me better than any other?

I have a guarded heart. More guarded than I care to admit.

I try to please others way too much. I sacrifice my own happiness at times to lift others up. I have a problem.

All too often my allegiance belongs to things in my life which I try to control, but things in which I can never have complete control over.

I struggle with being successful. I struggle with feeling unloved. I struggle with accepting God’s grace.

I desire to be accepted, but never feel like I am. I am my own worse enemy. I criticize myself to no end.

I am not good at receiving things from others or from God. I feel too undeserving.

So where does my hope come from?

My Hope Is You

To you, O Lord, I lift my soul
In you, O God, I place my trust
Do not let me be put to shame
Nor let my enemies triumph over me
My hope is you
Show me your ways
Guide me in Truth
In all my days
My hope is you
I am, O Lord, filled with your love
You are, O God, my salvation
Guard my life and rescue me
My broken spirit shouts
My mended heart cries out...

-Third Day

Farmington, NM
Volume 4, Issue 3
February 14, 2009

…war raging on…

Time and space and land and place. Where are we and where are we headed? Is this world really real? Am I dreaming, or maybe I just wish that I were - for a place better than this. For a time of peace, justice, and hope. To be where there is no war and no killing, just peace and love. How did we get so far from the garden? How has sin so severely strangled? What happened? How can we change this? Can we change this? What is my role in all this mess? Where do I start? How do I begin? Can I really do anything? Is it worth the try, is it worth the price? Where do I fit into this great chaos? Is it even chaos at all, or a controlled plan? Why do I feel the need to do something? Can’t I just be me and let the rest be? No, I don’t think I can. I can’t give up on the fight. I see my nieces and nephews, my neighbors and my friends, and they are worth fighting for. But what armor and skills can I bring? I am just me, nobody special. That is a lie I tell myself all too often, and I suspect that many of you tell yourself the same lie to. We are all special and carry with us unique talents and gifts. We all can carry the cross and help lift the burden, but we must begin. There is a war raging on – sometimes too clearly in my head. I just want it to end. I know the devil is real, but I know God is bigger still. I know the outcome of the battle, and I take comfort in that, but in the present I know I still need to fight. I can not give up and I can not give in. AHHHHHHHHHHH! I just want to scream sometimes. To pull the sin out of me that oozes from my core. I want to be better, do better, love better, live better. I am not a scholar, but merely a broken man. A man touched by the hand of the loving one. A man who desires to do his will, but struggles in the here and now. Oh Lord, lift me from the pit of hell. Lord I do believe, but please help me to overcome my unbelief.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey Scott,

Just want to thank you for your postings. I have been feeling spiritually down recently. God seems sometimes so near to me, and yet sometimes so far. Sometimes I felt so exhausted that I wanted to tell myself just to let it go and forget about this fight that I have sworn to fight until the last breath. It is so easy and tempting to just become numb spiritually... This world provides so many things for us to numb our spirits with, but I know that this numbness, when prolonged, leads to spiritual death/darkness, and I do not want to drift again into it.

Your postings lifted my spirit up, once again. To see you how hard you are fighting and to know that none of us is alone in this bring me hope and encouragement.