Volume 2, Issue 33
February 10, 2008
-Help Me To Be The Man I Am Not-
…wounded and ugly…
In the passing of a moment, in the shedding of a tear,
Around me, near me, by my side,
Yet you feel so very distant, so extremely far.
How can you be close to me when I am so far from you?
Why do I feel abandoned by you, but know that it is I that abandoned you?
Why I am I longing for relationship, yet fearing the closeness it entails.
Can I never feel normal, will I always be estranged?
Though a world is around me, I am but a single solitary figure in a cosmic void.
Even though I long for arms around me, I cringe at the touch.
How can anyone be close to me when I am a dreadful sinner, not a saint?
Though I know the truth, I dabble in muck and mire.
I seek momentary happiness, when what I need is eternal joy.
My future is unclear, though you know the plan.
Will I ever feel at home, truly feel as though people love me for who I am?
Will I always be left wondering, what do people want from me?
Do they really like me, or do they have some other motive to be near?
Why can’t I trust? Why can’t I love like you?
Why I am I so skeptical?
What am I afraid of? I want to run with wild abandonment, but I am afraid to take the first step.
I want to love with reckless commitment, but the walls of my heart are so thick.
I want to be close to you, but I too often believe my sin is too great, my soul too ugly to be near such a perfect being as you.
Help me now, I pray, to let go of the sin that entangles and snares, to run with focused trust, and to be the man you desire me to be.
Help me to conquer my unbelief, help me to believe in you.
I am a mere mortal - wounded, ugly, meek, and feeble.
Help me to be a man of commitment, integrity, love, justice, and deep faith in you.
Help me to be the man I am not.