Sunday, February 10, 2008

Help Me To Be The Man I Am Not

Bundibugyo, Uganda
Volume 2, Issue 33
February 10, 2008

-Help Me To Be The Man I Am Not-
…wounded and ugly…

In the passing of a moment, in the shedding of a tear,
Around me, near me, by my side,
Yet you feel so very distant, so extremely far.
How can you be close to me when I am so far from you?
Why do I feel abandoned by you, but know that it is I that abandoned you?
Why I am I longing for relationship, yet fearing the closeness it entails.
Can I never feel normal, will I always be estranged?
Though a world is around me, I am but a single solitary figure in a cosmic void.
Even though I long for arms around me, I cringe at the touch.
How can anyone be close to me when I am a dreadful sinner, not a saint?
Though I know the truth, I dabble in muck and mire.
I seek momentary happiness, when what I need is eternal joy.
My future is unclear, though you know the plan.
Will I ever feel at home, truly feel as though people love me for who I am?
Will I always be left wondering, what do people want from me?
Do they really like me, or do they have some other motive to be near?
Why can’t I trust? Why can’t I love like you?
Why I am I so skeptical?
What am I afraid of? I want to run with wild abandonment, but I am afraid to take the first step.
I want to love with reckless commitment, but the walls of my heart are so thick.
I want to be close to you, but I too often believe my sin is too great, my soul too ugly to be near such a perfect being as you.
Help me now, I pray, to let go of the sin that entangles and snares, to run with focused trust, and to be the man you desire me to be.
Help me to conquer my unbelief, help me to believe in you.
I am a mere mortal - wounded, ugly, meek, and feeble.
Help me to be a man of commitment, integrity, love, justice, and deep faith in you.
Help me to be the man I am not.

3 comments:

Gary said...

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

- C.S. Lewis

charity said...

thanks for sharing your heart so candidly...my own heart was so encouraged in it's weary, broken state...your words echoed many familiar things...how beautiful... the desire to love without fear, to run forward with wild abandon... you are taking steps, already, scott. our Father does not hear these heart cries un-responsively, no...He rejoices over you with singing, and knows very well the plans of transformation that He alone has begun in your heart,that He is faithfully working in your heart,that He will bring to completion in the heart that He has declaired righteous and worthy already. I see this heart journey as the greatest adventure of all!
-peace-

One Dusty Traveller said...

I just happened on your blog through paradoxuganda and have been amazed at all that the Lord is doing on the other side of the world -Thank you Jesus! I will pray that more people discover who they are(or are not) in Him- I will pray for you and the entire team that is showing the world a great witness, giving their Utmost for Him.

His Love, Joy and Peace to you this day!